The Paradox

There's a lot to my story, and the deep sense of loneliness and self-hatred I feel. The simplest way I can think of putting it is that I've never been loved and because of this I don't know how to love. If I can't figure this out then no one will ever love me and I will die knowing I lived a life totally absent of love. On the inside I know that I'm awesome and that someone should love me (not that i'm entitled to it), but I just don't know how to get my foot in the door. I had terrible male role-models growing up (my dad literally barked out of the window of his at women, and my step-dad had no respect for them either). So I've got plenty of misconceptions about women that usually don't make sense to anyone, not even me when I externalize them. Further, no one ever gave me practical advice on how to interact with women. All they would say is "be patient," "be yourself," never "ok, here's this specific thing you can do." So if I meet someone, and we click, it still feels like it all came down to chance. I could go on and on, but I know that I'm the problem. I just don't know how to change. Everything I try just leave me feeling like a creep, loser, not good enough. F*ck everything. I really hate myself